It’s funny how the weather triggers different things from thoughts, to feelings, that turn into storms that just won’t cease. It was often during the winter that I would enter treatment. Simply to have a warm place to rest my head and certainly not because I wanted to change my life. I would wait for days like today when the weather was nice and I would find any reason I could to run. I would blame the program or my family or any other innate reason I could use to go back to the block.
It hurts me to see so many women do the same on days like this. It’s crazy because those people that we know we need to get away from, the one’s we know are going to hurt us are the first place we return to. It’s almost if they give us whatever we are missing, be it pain, suffering or whatever other horror we think we need and deserve but don’t. That sense of belonging on the streets that we could never quite find within the programs. They tell you that you are sisters and you should support each other but you feel like you never quite belong. That you are somehow different from the other women and somehow less than.
So you hold onto all your secrets and your pain. You stuff it. You stuff it far enough down to just try to belong. You try to dress up and smile like them but you feel broken and worthless and like everybody knows. You share because they tell you to. You don’t share the real stuff, the stuff you really need to heal from. You worry you’ll be judged and quite frankly you probably will be. So you pretend to be getting better and we are really good at pretending, it’s been our survival skill for most our lives.
And we wait. We wait for the weather to break. For that first hint on spring. I remember going prematurely and ending up sleeping in a doorway during a snowstorm in March just wishing I had held on a little longer.
I want more for our women then a place to hang on in. More than somewhere to hide from themselves and everybody else in. I want a home for our women where they will truly be supported without judgement. A place where they can find themselves instead of hide from themselves. A place where they can truly be embraced for the beautiful women that they are. A place where they can grow, and somewhere they want to stay even when the snow is gone and the sun is shining.